My tale of trauma, terror, and turn-around.
How I went from rock bottom to reigniting my soulfire
I knew I wasn’t doing well. That’s why I was seeing a counselor.
What I couldn’t figure out is how a vivacious, driven girl who graduated high school as student council president with a 4.2 GPA, Honor Society membership, and head cheerleader status ended up with a life that was in a total nose dive.
Everyone, including me, thought I would make it big. Instead...
My husband, Dush, and I had just lost over $100,000 on an event we spent 9 months of the year creating through our business. 9 months of pouring my own time, love, and energy into every last detail, and 9 months of our team’s talent, dedication, and effort.
The event required so much of our time and resources, in fact, that we had taken our eye off our main business and let it dwindle down to one client.
“It’s ok,” Dush and I would say to each other. “We’ll make a big profit on the event in the fall.”
Instead, we found ourselves with a thick noose of debt tied around our necks and trying to run our company, make payroll, and keep our own life afloat (mortgage, bills, etc.) on the revenue from one single client.
On top of that, I had family issues. 30 years of issues, in fact, that were coming to a head.
And let me tell you, when you start scratching at a wound that old, it’s going to be a gusher.
That whole story is too long to tell here, but I’ll give you the short version.
My brother was in a skiing accident in 1988 that left him a quadriplegic. I was 11 - three days away from turning 12 - and he was 14, turning 15 in a couple of months. Me a 6th grader and he a freshman in highschool.
We were skiing with my Dad, my cousin, and a friend of mine when my brother hit a mogul he didn’t see and flew off into the trees.
Life changed for our “Leave It To Beaver” family in the snap of a finger.
Pressure, fear, and the massive weight of uncertainty became our new reality.
Just yesterday, reality had been a happy family of four who skied and snowmobiled in the winter, water skied and tubed in the summer, went camping in a yellow VW van with a pop top, and went on vacations to places like Disneyland and New York.
My parents did a truly incredible job in steering us through what seemed like impossible odds, but there’s no way to go through a massive trauma like that without a lot of shrapnel getting buried under your skin along with the way.
And I had a ton of it. I just didn’t know it yet.
Sitting in my counselor's office that day, I thought my main issue was a money problem, and what I needed was to clear my mind long enough to figure a way out.
Looking back, that big, hairy problem would have been easier to solve than the one I was about to face.
Because at the root of those money problems, my dying business, and the BIG question of how a high school superstar ended up in a tailspin, sat all that shrapnel I was about to discover.
It had slowly and insidiously been eating away at my soul for decades and digging it out would be a big, gory mess.
As my counselor asked me about various ways I could solve my money problems (could you get a job? Could you take out a loan? Could you work in the evenings?)...
...the overwhelm started building up inside me. My vision narrowed, my heart rate jacked up about 200 beats per minute, the blood drained from my face, and I was on the verge of passing out.
“I think I’m having a heart attack. I need you to call 911”, I managed to say to my counselor.
Fortunately, she recognized the symptoms for what they were - a full blown panic attack - and she helped me calm down.
But unlike my first panic attack in 2016, I didn’t bounce back.
I spent the next 6 months drowning in debilitating panic and anxiety, and plagued by...
...moments of crying uncontrollably because I didn’t know what was wrong with me…
…weeks of pure exhaustion, yet not being able to sleep without medication…
…moments of rage that left me scared of myself…
…days of not having the soundness of mind to work…
…and regular physical symptoms, like chest pains and numbness in my face, back, and arms, that left me constantly worrying whether or not I was having a heart attack or a stroke, even though I’d been cleared by a doctor more than once.
It was the darkest, scariest time of my life. I tried everything I could think of to get better, but for months, nothing worked.
As I sat in the recliner in our office while Dush worked away - desperately trying to keep the business afloat on his own - I pondered the thought,
“What if this is my life for the rest of my life? And if it is, is it really worth living?”
Entertaining those kinds of thoughts is not a place you want to be, because that next step down is a big one.
Fortunately for me, my story has a happy ending.
Months of intense therapy with a terrific counselor (not the same one where I had had the panic attack) helped me discover that my shrapnel had labels like...
...“I’m not good enough (because if I were, I’d be able to fix my family and make them happy again)”...
...“I need to dim my light so my brother’s can shine brighter”...
…”If I don’t put myself second, my parents won’t love me”...
…”My voice doesn’t matter because it’s more important to go with the flow and keep the peace.”
...and, “None of my problems are important because I’m not the one in the wheelchair, so I just need to suck it up.”
My counselor helped me see how these beliefs were secretly controlling my operating system, seeping poison into every area of my life.
I didn’t even know they were there, but it became so clear how they were at the root of everything failing in my life.
She also helped me discover how to let them go...and with the additional help of Eastern and Western medicine doctors...as well as many of my own practices…
...I became a whole new person!
It took 24 years, and a massive breakdown, but I finally got back to that vivacious, directed, passionate, and driven girl who graduated high school with the world at her feet, and beaming with confidence, joy and optimism.
This time around, though, I’m grounded by a lot more wisdom, compassion, courage, and true faith in myself.
I’m now on a mission
to help other women heal the wound of disconnection from their true selves so they can live the life they were meant to live…
...the one their soul yearns to live - full of power, full of confidence, full of love, and bursting with the joy that radiates from realized dreams.
Terra Ramachandran is an entrepreneur, writer, speaker and emphatic cheerleader for the REAL you. She holds a degree in Organizational Communications and is a certified image consultant through the London Image Institute.
In addition to her work, she loves a good gym workout, reading, dancing, traveling, getting outside, her rotten but adorable toy poodle, a dry martini, a great restaurant, and parking it on the couch with a good movie, a pizza and the love of her life, Dush.
Terra Ramachandran
I believe...
- Self-love and integrity are the cornerstones of a successful life. Building on anything else is a house of cards.
- “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.” - Brene Brown
- You matter. So do your ideas, your dreams, and your voice.
- You are a good person. You deserve love. You deserve respect. And you deserve compassion.
- You deserve more than “fine”. You deserve spectacular...and yes, it’s possible for you.
- What the world needs most is people who have come alive. (hat tip Howard Thurman)
It’s your time to shine.
favorite quote
“We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
...Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine…And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Williamson
Rediscover your true self
Ready to work with me?
The Rediscover Your True Self program gives you a step-by-step path that leads back to the REAL you.
You’ll discover how to reignite your soulfire when life leaves you feeling like a pile of ashes.
- Take your life back.
- Own your truth.
- Reclaim your personal power.
- Put habits in place that honor the real you going forward.
You’ll go from feeling lost, powerless, misunderstood and like you’re faking it everyday.
...to feeling confident, motivated, proud of yourself and full of hope!
Lish Carroll
Contributing Expert
Hi, I’m Lish...the Passion Pathfinder at SoulfireShift.com. My work is dedicated to helping you find activities that light up your soul and helping you give yourself permission to actually do them!
I believe reconnecting with your passions, giving yourself time to play, and allowing yourself to be imperfect are some of the best ways to get back in touch with the REAL you. Join me and rediscover the joy that flows from your creativity!